i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
