i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My feet surprised me
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