tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
