it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
