didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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