There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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