Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
