if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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