he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
