Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
