Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
