I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
