you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
