puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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