At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
should my penis look like a turkey
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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