And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
