when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize