We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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