why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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