Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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