god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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