it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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