I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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