I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
