I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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