In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
