Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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