i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
