I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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