Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
