i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
