i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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