Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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