How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
