another moral hangover. fuck.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
