you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
