Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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