Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
