I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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