Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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