I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
