I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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