A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
