Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
