yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
