I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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