I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
