i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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