first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
