Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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