I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
