Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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