I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
