i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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