Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
