Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
