your thong is hanging out like whoa
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
