haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
