I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
