No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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