when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
