I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize