I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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