Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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