I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
