I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
