i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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