Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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